roots

Five things I learned on my trip to Oregon:

• I can travel alone through an airport with a baby, stroller, carseat, backpack and diaper bag! I can even do this with the baby on my lap instead of in a separate seat. I can do it! I feel a new sense of empowerment after taking Daniel with me to Portland all by myself. But I did get some help: Steve and my parents were able to get passes to go through security with us and hang out at the gate until we boarded. And my sister Susanne met me in Portland and helped me pick up the rental car. (Thanks again, everyone!)

• Daniel loves kalamata olives. (Well, who doesn't?!)

• I have Scottish ancestry on my maternal grandfather's side of the family, something I never realized. If my grandpa's cousin (whom I met for the first time Sunday) is to be believed, we can claim King James of Scotland (of the Braveheart era) as an ancestor. (I wonder if half the English-speaking world can make the same claim!)

• My mother's mother was eight months pregnant with a baby boy when she died. :( I have always known that she died young at the doctor's office, apparently of a brain aneurism, but my mom told me more while we sipped iced tea at Starbucks the other day. She was at her OB's office for a routine baby checkup when she died — it must have been a pregnancy-related blood clot. My mom was 2 at the time. It was so sad and strange to learn, after all these years, about the brother she never knew, the uncle who was never born.

• Like me, my parents aren't too big on all the vaccinations on the current immunization schedule. It was refreshing to have this conversation with them and realize that we share a similar point of view on such a controversial subject!

I had to post this picture, too. Each of my sisters and I have been photographed as babies playing at the same piano, and here is the latest member of the family trying it out. Maybe he will be a musical child!

eleven months

These pictures were taken in my parents' back yard in Oregon, where we spent the week. (I've backdated the post, even though I'm writing this on Friday; we got home last night.) That's his grandma in the last one — and you might be able to catch a glimpse of his new top teeth in the middle one. The images are a little dark — I accidentally left the polarizing filter on my camera lens for the entire trip. (Doh!)

friday five:: looking back, looking forward

One of the RevGals has posted an extremely thought-provoking Friday Five this week. I hope I can do it justice in the small amount of time I have while Daniel naps.

1. Share a moment/ time of real encouragement in your journey of faith
When I took my job at the Catholic paper here, I had only recently begun exploring my spiritual life again after spending most of my 20s questioning things and rejecting much of what I had been taught. It was a real leap of faith, and I was afraid of getting caught up in a conservative, constricting, rosary-saying environment that wouldn't feel nurturing in a way that I needed. But when I moved to Minnesota and started my new job, I found myself experiencing moments of grace around every turn. I was reading books and interviewing writers and spiritual people who spoke to me and affirmed my decision to move here in an almost uncanny way. In my personal life, I was very lonely that first year, as I knew practically no one. But my work life was so spiritually enriching, and I feel very grateful for that.

2. Do you have a current vision / dream for your work/ family/ministry?
This is tough because I'm in such a place of transition, especially with my work. I've been working on an interesting profile recently about a woman who is a poverty activist, and I've been thinking about how writing articles that might inspire other people to help make a difference is important to me. I've also read a couple of articles about Mariane Pearl, whose book A Mighty Heart (which I read a couple of years ago) has been made into a movie starring Angelina Jolie (who is also a friend of Mariane). I admire the way Mariane has dealt with the repercussions of her husband's death and continued to work as a journalist herself, highlighting the work women are doing around the world. So that has been inspiring to me as a vision or dream to strive for as a writer. (Of course, I am still toying with the library science idea in the back of my head, too ...)

3.Money is no object and so you will.....
Well, affordable housing is on my brain right now, so ... I'd like for us to buy a slightly larger house — only slightly because we don't need a huge house, but a little more room to spread out would be nice. And I would buy a home for each of my siblings and donate more money to programs that build affordable housing.

4. How do you see your way through the disappointments? What keeps you going?
I saved this question until last because it requires me to think for a few minutes. I think one thing that keeps me going when I've been through a major disappointment, in the words of the Beatles, is "a little help from my friends." I'm lucky in that I've always had supportive, caring friends (sisters, too) who let me cry on their shoulders and remind me of my value when I need to be reminded of it. I think I also have the capacity to remind myself, in the words of Julian of Norwich, edited to correct her quotation that "all shall be well," at least eventually. A sense of empathy enables me, most of the time, to see a disappointing situation through the eyes of the person who has disappointed me. And I cannot forget the healing power of putting my troubles in God's hands and asking for grace, strength, courage and wisdom to pull me through.

5. How important are your roots?
My ancestors come from an independent, pioneer stock (before them, German, Swiss, French-Canadian, English), and my personal roots are in the suburbs of Portland, Ore. While they are important to me to a certain extent, I think I have tried to forge my own sense of personhood in my life that does not rely on a sense of my roots as part of my self-definition. Be that as it may, I do think my roots are ingrained to some extent; I am independent and an explorer of sorts, like some of my forebearers, and the older I get, the more I realize that I share some values that run deep in my family.

here, forty forty forty

I just looked at the calendar and realized that today is my half-birthday, which means that in exactly six months, I will leave the 30s ... forever. That just feels so wierd right now. I can't believe 40 is just around the corner. How am I doing on my list? Not too bad, I guess ... and I'll be able to check No. 39 off in probably a little more than a week (depending on how quickly I read)!

sleep, sleep tonight

Few things in the world are more beautiful to me than the sight of Daniel sleeping. I could watch him for hours. He still sleeps in our bed at night — and usually through the night now, which is wonderful — though he is getting much better at taking daytime naps in his crib. I don't mind him sleeping with us. It feels really warm and intimate having our whole family fall asleep together at night. I do hope, however, that he will decide on his own, in a year or two, that he'd rather be in his own bed. I'm not going to force him, but I'm crossing my fingers that he'll show a similar sense of independence that he did when he nursed for the last time. After that, he pushed me away and didn't want to do it anymore, and although that was kind of sad, I'm glad it was his choice and not mine.

friday five:: harry potter

Pottermania is in the air! The RevGals have devoted a Friday Five to it ... so play along if you choose, muggles.

1. Which Harry Potter book is your favorite and why?
Ugh - I hate picking favorites. But I think I'd have to say Prisoner of Azkaban. It was the first book that was darker and more fleshed out in terms of the characters and plot development, where I thought to myself, this isn't just for children anymore. I love dark, mysterious Sirius Black. I love sad Prof. Lupin. Subsequent books have been great, too, but I think No. 3 holds a soft spot for me.

2. Which character do you most resemble? Which character would you most like to get to know?
When I was young, I probably resembled Hermione. I was kind of a know-it-all, good-grades, love-the-teacher kind of girl. I'd love to get to know Prof. McGonigle better ... she seems cool under that teacher persona. (Ha. I'm still Hermione!) And of course I'd ache to spend time with Dumbledore, who just seems the essense of all that is wise and good and clever.

3. How careful are you about spoilers?
a) bring 'em on--even if I know the destination, the journey's still good
b) eh, I'd rather not know what happens, but I'm not going to commit Avada Kedavra if someone makes a slip
c) I will sequester myself in a geodesic dome to avoid finding anything out
I'm b, bordering on c. :) I just found out that I am going to Oregon that weekend, so I've planned my flight to give myself time to buy the book beforehand and take it with me. I probably won't get to read on the plane, since Daniel will be on my lap and Steve isn't going (*sob*), so if I hear anyone spill any secrets from the book, I'm going to thwack them!

4. Make one prediction/share one hope about book 7.
My favorite prediction is the one I heard from Liz, so I'll let her share it. I read a prediction that Harry himself might be the final hoarcrux, what with his scar that resonates with Voldemort's vibrations, etc. — I think that could be a possibility. My hope is that Dumbledore isn't really dead and that Snape redeems himself. And that Harry is alive and back with Ginny by the end of the book. Am I asking for too much?!

5. Rowling has said she's not planning any prequels or sequels, but are there characters or storylines (past or future) that you would like to see pursued?
I'd enjoy reading more about when James and Lily Potter were together at Hogwarts with young Snape and Tom Riddle. Oooh ... and maybe some historical fiction about the witches and wizards of medieval times ... the original Slytherin and Griffindor characters.

Eight days to go! :)

the boy who runs with the ducks

Another morning at the College of St. Catherine duck pond. The grass was dewy and wet after the thunderstorms the night before — I figured it was probably as clean as it can get, so I let Daniel get down and crawl. I could barely keep up with him!

daniel the lion

Daniel loves to growl. Sometimes he'll just growl, out of the blue, just because he feels like it. And lately, he growls when he's playing with his little plastic lion. Today, we were playing with the lion and his yellow rubber ducky, which usually resides at the edge of the bathtub but today had found its way into the living room. He loves ducks, too, and he always smiles when I show how they say, "Quack-quack." So he had his lion in one hand and his ducky in the other. "What does the lion say?" I asked. He growled. "What does the duck say?" I asked. And without missing a beat, Daniel said, "Caa-caa." Steve and I just about fell over in delight! Is that his first real word?

On a mostly unrelated note (unless you want to go into our possible propensity for a love of words!), The New York Times had an article today about how the new generations of librarians are considerably more hip than their bespectacled, shushing elders. I've always loved libraries — and I love reading and doing research and tracking down information — and when I read the article, a long-dormant desire to become a librarian reared its head. So I've been examining the College of St. Catherine's Master of Library and Information Science Web site, wondering ... wondering ...

ticked off and venting

I have been able to stomach a lot of disagreements with the Catholic Church, but I'm so angry about an article I read in the paper where I used to work. This time, it's personal. I don't mean to attack the reporter, as she is a nice person, but the arrogance and condescension of the two men quoted here — "moral theologians" — has hit a nerve so deeply that I have been thinking all weekend about leaving the church. And I'm not the only one who's ticked off. My friend Anne, just home from the hospital after giving birth to a pair of beloved twins — conceived through artificial insemination — was steamed about it, too. Lisa, with whom I discussed it Friday during a fun outing to the Minnesota Zoo with our children, didn't seem very happy with it, either. And Steve rolled his eyes and said, "I just wish the church would stay out of our sex lives and worry about the truly important things, like poverty and the war in Iraq."

Choice quotes:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that reproductive techniques that disassociate sex from reproduction — such as artificial insemination — are morally unacceptable, even if the sperm and eggs are from the husband and wife because it disrespects the gift of sex and the dignity of the child to be conceived.

That is just BS. The sanctity of Steve's and my sex life was never demeaned or called into question by our choice to undergo artificial insemination. I think we of all people would know that. In fact, our desire to have a child and our openness to conception were infused deeply in our sex life the whole time we were trying to conceive. The fact that it wasn't working and that we chose to undergo additional medical measures to help me get pregnant did not lessen that. True, we sometimes felt as if we were on a timer when it came to having sex, but that's true of any couple who is tracking their fertile days in an effort to get pregnant.

And Daniel's dignity? That comment is what really upsets me. You can insult my choices, but don't you dare question the dignity of my son. If anything, Daniel is all the more beloved and valued as a result of the efforts we underwent to bring him into this world. So what if he was not conceived through old-fashioned sex? Many a child was conceived on the back seat of a car, by drunken accident, and you don't hear the church questioning that child's dignity. The idea that Daniel's dignity was demeaned or disrespected comes from a mindset that clearly has never had firsthand experience with infertility.

“Catholic couples who are having infertility problems really need to do their homework,” said (Moral Theologian X). “They really need to find the right fertility doctor and make sure that they’re getting the best information possible on their infertility, its causes and the risks involved in using hyperovulant drugs.

As if Catholic couples aren't really doing their homework. How condescending. Does it occur to him that perhaps we do do our homework and arrive at our decisions out of our own consciences, even if those decisions are counter to what the church would tell us to do?

It’s important to remember that couples do not have a right to a child, said Father (Moral Theologian Y), ... who teaches at Saint Paul Seminary. “Children are gifts,” he said. “Couples that suffer infertility suffer a great cross. That’s no easy reality.”

Regardless of whether that is the church's position, I wonder if this guy realizes how pompous and hurtful that sounds. As a young priest, he has never walked in the shoes of parents who struggle with infertility, even if he may have counseled them. Yes, children are gifts. But that does not mean parents need to just sit back passively and wait for one to be given to them, especially if there are medical options that would help. Medical options that hurt no one if used responsibly. Ugh.

And this same priest goes on to say:

Couples struggling to conceive should learn Natural Family Planning, which teaches couples their bodies’ natural fertility cycles and maximizes the possibility to achieve pregnancy. ... “God has, by design, allowed for a proper way of spacing or planning births,” he said, in that a woman is fertile during only a portion of her natural cycle, while men are always fertile.

Oh ... so that was the problem! If we had just had sex during my fertile times, I would have gotten pregnant right away. Silly me ... I get it now!

Wait, we did do NFP. That's where we started, right after we were married. And that's how I found out about my fertility problem in the first place.

Seriously ... I am not a trained theologian, but I've thought about these issues a lot, and this teaching just feels wrong to me. I don't mean to sound arrogant about it myself, but I believe this whole area is too complex to slap a simple "impermissible" label on it and be done with it. Fertility treatments are fairly new and recent in the spectrum of issues moral theologians have addressed over the centuries. I think they need to spend more time with this one.

friday five :: what are the chances?

From Kristine again, and also on Liz's blog:

1) Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that there is a french fry somewhere in your car? If you do not own a car, what are the chances that there is a french fry somewhere in the car you most frequently ride in?
I rarely eat French fries, and usually only at restaurants, so there is a 0 percent chance of me having a French fry in my car. Now, ask me if there is a Cheerio somewhere in my car ...

2) Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that you will eat ice cream sometime in the next four days?
As I write, I have a nearly empty bowl of Cedar Summit Farm chocolate ice cream in front of me and a nearly full tub in the freezer, so I would say ... 100 percent!

3) Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that you’ll get a personal, handwritten greeting in the mail sometime in the next week?
I'm to go out on a limb and say 50 percent — I usually get a couple of handwritten notes a month. And just to shore up my chances, I'll take this opportunity right now to ask you (yes, you!) to send me one! Go ahead ... surprise me. :)

4) Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that there will be rain in your neighborhood within the next forty-eight hours?
I'd say 1 percent. It's not in the forecast, but you never know.

5) Given as a percentage, approximately what are the chances that in the next twenty-four hours, you will be in the same room as a naked person other than yourself?
Probably 80 percent. Saturday tends to be a good day for nakedness around our house. ;-) Well, 100 percent if we give Daniel a bath.

standing up all by himself

Daniel has been holding this standing position for a few seconds at a time all week, but today was the first time he did it long enough for me to focus a camera on him. He's so proud of himself — he knows he is doing something special. I wonder how long it will be until he takes his first step. I can't wait — and at the same time, I can wait. Once he starts walking, caring for him is going to enter a whole new league!