eating

We've started feeding Daniel some solid food. So far it's been mushy rice cereal or sweet potatoes, fed from the end of my finger or a little spoon. At the first experience of a new taste, he gets this bewildered, wrinkley-nosed look on his face; but he doesn't push it away, and soon he is opening his mouth for more. He's mastered the art of pushing it to the back of his mouth with his tongue and swallowing, but there's always plenty left to drool onto his bib. I think it's just as much an adventure for me as it is for him — I can't believe we're starting on solids already! Here's one of those obligatory first meal pictures: some very runny cereal.

five months old ... and three welcomes

Here he is, our sweet, funny baby on his five-month birthday!




But the really big reason today is a special day is that my friend Kerry gave birth to her triplets! Ewan, Noel and Mairin (an Irish/Gaelic form of Maureen) were born around 3:30 a.m. They weighed in at right around two and a half pounds each — not bad for 29 and a half weeks of gestation! — and are doing well. Welcome, precious and much-loved little ones. And congratulations to Kerry, Eddy and big brother Quinn!

two short, unrelated thoughts

I'm not a football fan, really, but I am ridiculously thrilled that the Indianapolis Colts are going to the Superbowl at last! Living in Mississippi gave me a real appreciation for Peyton Manning, not to mention his dad Archie, a former Saints star. Wouldn't it have been cool if the Saints had beat the Bears and gone ahead to face the Colts this year?

Out of the blue last Friday, I was offered chance to do a freelance piece for someone I've written for in the past. $500. Is that a sign?

thirty-nine for 39

In honor of my birthday, here are 39 things I hope to do in the next year of my life! It will be fun to look back and see how many of these I actually accomplish. (Last edited on Jan. 1, 2008)

1. Replace the living room drapes. Done in April!

2. Fit into my size 6 jeans. Done! Feb. 4 ... I wore them to a Superbowl party.

3. Walk on the Oregon coast. Didn't happen ... but I'm glad I did make it to Oregon.

4. Take a writing class at the Loft. Didn't happen.

5. Throw a 1-year birthday party for Daniel on Saturday, Aug. 25. Did it!

6. Organize my photo CDs. Sort of done ...

7. Ruthlessly give away clothes that don't fit me anymore (or that I don't love). Getting done ...

8. Buy shelves for the basement/family room and move all our extra stuff onto them (and off the ground). Done in August!

9. Tell the people I love that I love them (more often). I hope I am ...

10. Write, in my journal, five things I'm grateful for each day. Whoa, Nelly. This one ended before the end of January, I'm afraid.

11. Finish reading Jane Austen's Emma, which I started the week before Daniel was born and didn't get back to. Didn't happen.

12. Take Daniel to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. Jan. 25: Done! (And more than once ...)

13. Floss my teeth every day. So far so good ... give or take a day.

14. Keep eating whole grains instead of white grains. So far so good ...

15. Get pregnant again, this time by accident. :) Yippee!

16. Get dressed before noon most days. :) Piece of cake.

17. Find a Christmas ornament with Steve that represents something we've done in 2007, like we do every year. Done this fall, on our trip to the North Shore. It's a wooden bell, stained orange, crafted by a woodworker named Joseph who lives in a cool house out in the country north of Grand Marais.

18. Make a decision about the whole work/daycare/freelance/stay-at-home question. Done!

19. Frame photos we like and hang them up. More or less done, though this is always a work in progress.

20. Read more poetry. Not really.

21. Get the Mary Grandpre State Fair poster framed and hung in Daniel's room. Didn't happen.

22. Polish up the essays sitting on my computer desktop and submit them to publications that might pay me for them. Started ... but didn't really pursue it.

23. Have date nights with Steve every week, or at least once a month, even if they are at home — just the two of us. Ugh ... this one's tough. But we're working on it.

24. Hang up the carbon monoxide detector. Got it professionally mounted last week.

25. Have friends over for brunch regularly. I guess we did this a few times. Maybe not regularly.

26. Learn to make the flourless chocolate torte that Marc makes, the one that always makes me salivate when he brings it to family gatherings. Didn't happen.

27. Declutter the kitchen and sell or give away tools and appliances I don't use, like the mini-bundt pan. (Or heck, make mini bundt cakes.) Feb. 23: Done! But this remains a work in progress ...

28. Watch Borat, The Queen and every best-picture Oscar nomination. Done.

29. Stop grinding my teeth. Ugh.

30. Get a manicure and pedicure before spring comes. Done!

31. Do something out of the ordinary with highlights. Not really, but now I don't really want to anyway.

32. Take down this year's Christmas tree. Done!

33. Learn to knit. Didn't happen.

34. Open a college savings account for Daniel. Done!

35. Get life insurance policy for myself. (Long story; when we tried to do this last year, I was pregnant and therefore had a perfectly normal amount of sugar in my urine. But the insurance co. would not give us the good rates as a result. And even though my doctor has told them I no longer have sugar in my urine, they won't look at me again until a year after the original urine test. &*%$# insurance bureaucracy!) Done!

36. Drive down the coast highway from San Francisco to L.A. in May while we are in California for a wedding. Done!

37. Donate 10 percent of our income to charity. What with the extra doctor bills, we didn't hit 10 percent by a long shot.

38. Take a trip to the North Shore. Done, done and done!

39. Read the new Harry Potter book. Done!

sunday night

Random thoughts while Daniel naps and Stephen reads.

Just finished a wonderful book — The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. I'd never heard of it, but Stephen heard a review on NPR this fall, thought it sounded like something I'd like and bought it for me for Christmas. He was so right. It was romantic, mysterious, gothic — perfect for winter nights nestled against the pillows under the down comforter. It's kept me up late all week, and that's something when you consider that we've usually been sleeping with a baby between us. I'm sad it's ended. I wish I had a book like that to engross me every night. Maybe it's time to start The Historian.

Something else British that captured my imagination this week: the movie Mrs. Henderson Presents with Judi Dench and Bob Hoskins. I expected to be mildly amused by it; I wasn't expecting to love it, but that's exactly what happened. It was hilarious and poignant and completely entertaining.

Stephen is taking Tuesday off work so we can spend my birthday together. That is the best gift I could have imagined. And he's ordered me a cake that he will pick up tomorrow night so we can eat it while we watch the Golden Globes! And maybe I'll cash in my Estetica gift certificate (another Christmas present) and get a massage. Sweet.

We finally got a printer this weekend. Now I can ... uh ... print stuff. :) And make copies, both of which are home office features I've been missing these months I've stayed at home.

Daniel hasn't pooped in several days, and Stephen and I are starting to worry just a little. I'm sure it's OK — the doctor said it's perfectly normal for babies to go a few days without a BM — but if he doesn't go soon, a few days is going to turn into a week, and when does one start intervening with prune juice and the like? Hmmm.

Lately I've been remembering things from a year ago, when I was still newly pregnant and just starting to tell people. The whole thing still seems like such a miracle. He is a miracle. I still get choked up with happiness and amazement when I look at our little boy and think about those years we spent trying, the night we found out I was pregnant, the first time we saw him in ultrasound pictures. This is such a happy and blessed time in my life right now, no matter how much I worry about the details. When I think back on where I've been — the painful relationships, the years I spent wondering if I would ever meet the right guy or if having children was in the cards for me — and see the life I have now, I feel so darned lucky that sometimes I have to pinch myself.

knots

Time for some brainstorming. Starting with: Why did I make the decision to go back to work?

• Because they value me there, and to be wanted and needed is a nice feeling.
• Because I hate to let them down.
• Because the extra money would be very nice.
• Because I am afraid of losing my edge and my skills and my hireability with a break in my resume if I become a stay-at-home mom.
• Because so much of how I see myself — my identity — is based on my job as a writer and reporter and editor. Giving that up would be scary (unless I shifted into freelance work).
• Because going to an existing job is so much easier than taking the big leap into freelancing.
• Because my job puts me in a larger world where I know people and have some influence.
• Because staying home all day with a baby would be so hard.
• Because I may start to crave the adult company and intellectual stimulation.
• Because part-time work is a nice, flexible balance that many women would love to have. Am I crazy to give that up?

And why am I now doubting that decision?

• Because I love this boy in my lap so much it hurts to think of being apart from him.
• Because no matter how hard taking care of — and rearing — a baby is, I am not sure I want to hand the job over to anyone else.
• Because the idea of starting something new, like freelancing — on my own time and schedule — could be very exciting. And I've been thinking about it for several years, and maybe now is the time to get going with it.
• Because Daniel is only going to be little once.
• Because we don't need the extra income and could live on Stephen's if we chose to. (And I'm on his health insurance now.)
• Because I like the flexibility of our days — sleeping in until whenever he's ready to get up, going on outings and walks, and not having to be anywhere at any specific time.
• Because I don't want to expose him to a room full of eight other babies' germs, especially if we decide not to vaccinate him 100 percent, or according to the typical schedule.

A couple of years ago, I applied for a job at my work that would have been a promotion. I'd been in a rut, and this seemed like an obvious way to advance in my career and learn some new skills. After I submitted the application, and especially after I made the cut to the next round, it started to gnaw at my stomach, big time. Steve and I were trying to have a baby, and I knew that if I got this job, it would mean more hours and more stress at a time when I really wanted less of both. I agonized about it for a while and ended up withdrawing my application; afterward, it felt so right, but until the moment I did it, I really wasn't sure if it was the right decision ... or if I was one of those people who is afraid of success. It all worked out; the guy they hired is absolutely the right person for the job, and I have loved working for him. And almost a year after that, I got pregnant!

This must be a pattern with how I make decisions because I'm doing it again now: Taking a step toward something — securing a slot in a daycare, for instance — and seeing if it feels right or if I get the knots in my stomach. It's not an intentional plan to try out an option; more a gut reaction that crops up after I've taken the step toward it. So I've got some knots. Especially after Christmas, when I saw Daniel interact with lots of people and saw how he was a good sport for a while but always ended up wanting to be with Stephen or me, and how glad I always was to get him back. Ugh. I need to get clear on what to do.

resolutions

On New Year's Eve, Steve and I sat in the light of the Christmas tree and brainstormed goals and resolutions we'd like to accomplish in the next year. We made lists and charts and mind-maps and talked about our hopes and dreams.

And then at one point, I looked at my piece of paper, covered with words and arrows and circles and stars, and I thought, to hell with this. I said to Steve, "You know, what I really want this year is to just get it together enough so I'm dressed before noon and remember to wear deoderant."

So that's what I'm going to try to do. That, and keep a gratitude journal of five things I'm thankful for each day. The rest of it — building a freelance career, planning meals efficiently, exercising more, having a weekly date with Steve — that's all well and good, and if I do those things, great. But getting dressed in the morning is good enough for me.

tall boy

At his four-month well-baby visit yesterday, Daniel weighed in at 15 pounds, 5 ounces, which is in the 75th percentile, and measured at 27 and a quarter inches tall, which is in the 95th percentile. Two months ago, he was in the 95th percentile for both height and weight, which means he has slimmed down a little while continuing to grow like a weed.

He left with the immunizations for diptheria, typhoid and acellular pertussis (whooping cough) — which are all in one DTaP vaccine — as well as polio and haemophilus Influenzae Type B (hib). We declined the vaccines for hepatitis B and pneumococcal 7 (Prevnar) for now (and the rotovirus one sort of fell by the wayside). I have begun to hear about some of the concerns some parents and medical experts are raising about vaccines, and it has left me rather confused about what's best for Daniel — just the latest in parenting decisions I need to worry about. I've been trying to read up on it (it's such a heated issue that it's hard to find clear, unbiased information), and last night Steve also started reading one of the books I bought to educate myself on the matter. Society is at a point now where the risk for adverse effects from the vaccine is higher than the risk of actually catching the disease, according to something I just read on the Centers for Disease Control Web site. I don't want to completely non-vaccinate him, like some people are choosing for their kids. I just hope Steve and I will figure out a schedule we can feel comfortable with, maybe delaying some and passing on others.

Anyway, Daniel seems to be doing OK with short-term reactions so far. He was cranky yesterday afternoon, but he had a nice bath and splashed his little legs around, and he even went to bed around 9! (Instead of midnight!) Of course, he was back up at midnight for a feeding, and I'm wondering if he's at the point where he could take a little solid food to help him sleep through the night. Rice cereal, here we come!