tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post7059197806133945112..comments2023-11-05T02:13:37.607-06:00Comments on lemmondrops: how am i doing?Emiliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18186651382354924497noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-66854579403187227602008-12-18T10:44:00.000-06:002008-12-18T10:44:00.000-06:00wow, that was so open and honest and of course cau...wow, that was so open and honest and of course caused a lot of tears on this keyboard. <BR/><BR/>I want to hug you, to let you sit and let you just relax or to cry into my shoulder. <BR/><BR/>You are a not a Bad mother, wife or person. You are a phenomenal woman who has dark moments in the midst of a very dark time in your life. <BR/><BR/>as for the other stuff, "please don't go"<BR/><BR/>enjoy those baths and the week leading up to Christmas, maybe a miracle is on the way. If you stop now, you'll never know; and just know that you're not walking alone. <BR/><BR/>Hear, hear for the Hat!!!Kirhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17894442143508446312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-37110972648626341222008-12-15T03:22:00.000-06:002008-12-15T03:22:00.000-06:00Hi Emilie - Many people have found better words th...Hi Emilie - Many people have found better words that I can find to write now. <BR/><BR/>I pray that you'll be guided to making the right decision about your treatment. Regardless of what you decide, many of us will be here to support you. <BR/><BR/>You've had several tough months and I don't blame you for feeling anything that you've expressed so honestly.<BR/><BR/>I continue to pray for you. Many, many prayers. May God bless you.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03703659795317717597noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-47290094157992374182008-12-14T21:16:00.000-06:002008-12-14T21:16:00.000-06:00Emilie,I read your post and had three responses.Fi...Emilie,<BR/><BR/>I read your post and had three responses.<BR/><BR/>First, you are a wonderful mother. Whatever the future holds, Daniel and Ben will know how much you loved them, how much you wanted them and how you considered every decision based on its impact on them. Before we have kids, we plan on being perfect parents, but reality hits before we even leave the hospital with Munchkin #1. You have more challenges than most, but you are doing what all good parents do: the best you can, every day.<BR/><BR/>Second, I thought of a brief Torah study our rabbi led at a bat mitzvah service I attended last week. The passage was the story of Jacob's ladder, and our rabbi focused on the angels moving up and down the ladder. Why do they move up and down? (and why do angels need a ladder?) The discussion centered on a sort of give and take between humans and God, and I think that translates into a balance between accepting what we receive and trying to change it, sort of like that serenity prayer. Except the lines aren't so clear--just like the angels keep traveling up and down, we have to keep deciding when to fight and when to accept. Not sure if this is making any sense, but your post really brought that discussion back to me.<BR/><BR/>Third, I just wish I could make it all go away. <BR/><BR/>--JessicaJessica Griffithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01490898997715814255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-84823613596868435672008-12-14T10:00:00.000-06:002008-12-14T10:00:00.000-06:00Emilie, thank you for sharing all of this. I do w...Emilie, thank you for sharing all of this. I do wonder how you are doing, really doing, so I'm glad that you felt like telling us.<BR/><BR/>I hope you can find a counselor or support group or web board that will give you some good feedback for these questions - people who have an idea of what the different choices would mean. It seems like such difficult choices.Monkeymamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06264960774394882763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-90522594946829971312008-12-14T07:17:00.000-06:002008-12-14T07:17:00.000-06:00emilie,this struck such a chord with me. I have a...emilie,<BR/>this struck such a chord with me. I have a checkup Monday, and my husband and i were discussing the fact that chemo was worse than cancer, worse than the possiblity of dying. <BR/><BR/>I don't know if i want to rage against the dying of the light when that time comes...i'd like to think i'd leave a legacy of peace for my children, not a mother ravaged by toxic treatments. It's a hard thing.<BR/><BR/>Praying for you.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17804872501124965187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-21973221181000246462008-12-13T23:46:00.000-06:002008-12-13T23:46:00.000-06:00Dear Emilie, the questions you struggle with have ...Dear Emilie, the questions you struggle with have no clear cut "right" or "wrong" answers. They are shaped by what is right for you and your beautiful family. Thank you for making me think more deeply and question more profoundly. You have given me the wonderful gift of broadening my mind (and my reading material!)<BR/>I was wondering whether you are still looking at the laser knife (is that the correct term?) as a possible treatment? Are its effects are awful as the chemo? I know you were looking into it before your recent hospital stay.<BR/>Lots and love and peace<BR/>Sarah xxxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-85004239321399581432008-12-13T22:40:00.000-06:002008-12-13T22:40:00.000-06:00Emilie...I comment so rarely (bad, bad lurker), bu...Emilie...I comment so rarely (bad, bad lurker), but I read your blog daily. I only "know" you through Liz's blog, but I think about you constantly. This latest post really touched me, but I've been inexplicably emotional lately and probably won't make much sense in trying to respond to it. The intensity of your love, your self-awareness, and your capacity for joy seem to me gifts that will stay with your boys and your husband for as long as they live. Whether or not you decide to continue chemo, I am hoping as hard as I can that they will also have the gift of YOU for a very, very long time.Kelleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04500822830099666376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-21922927483796904392008-12-13T22:05:00.000-06:002008-12-13T22:05:00.000-06:00Em,Thanks for sharing how you are doing with a lot...Em,<BR/><BR/>Thanks for sharing how you are doing with a lot more honesty than the typical "I am fine" most people expect.<BR/><BR/>I wish I could provide some words of comfort, but as always I feel awed just to be witness to your journey. I hope you can find the peace, answers and direction you seek.<BR/><BR/>p.s. I also love Kitchen Table Wisdom.Marketing Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01092466674384204546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-29728221399481977922008-12-13T19:50:00.000-06:002008-12-13T19:50:00.000-06:00Love the hat!!I can't imagine how difficult it is ...Love the hat!!<BR/>I can't imagine how difficult it is to wonder and question the things your dealing with. I hope you are able to have the strength and peace for whatever is next. Hugs to you.battynursehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02240029154165501340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-9585126802069863112008-12-13T18:43:00.000-06:002008-12-13T18:43:00.000-06:00Emilie-I am at a loss for words. Just know that a...Emilie-I am at a loss for words. Just know that another person is praying for you and your family. Sending extra hugs your way.Lauriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05837099860834394705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-65437158572863669282008-12-13T16:48:00.000-06:002008-12-13T16:48:00.000-06:00Thank you for the reminder that prayers of discern...Thank you for the reminder that prayers of discernment are as valuable as prayers of all out miracles. While I still hope and pray for miracle wellness, I also pray that you, Steve and your doctors can come up with the best decisions for your care, regardless of if it is an aggressive cancer-ass-kicking or a restful being still where you are at. Love and peace to you at this time and enjoy all those wonderful things you have to cherish!LutherLizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10949785104237442171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-31847761455673312832008-12-13T15:22:00.000-06:002008-12-13T15:22:00.000-06:00Hugs to you from a creepy stranger in MS.Hugs to you from a creepy stranger in MS.Daniellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09564860500285068286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-66889975010226880852008-12-13T12:40:00.000-06:002008-12-13T12:40:00.000-06:00oh Emilie - I'm with Becky here in that I don't kn...oh Emilie - I'm with Becky here in that I don't know what to say. I so wish that I could say something, anything...but I just can't find the words. As always, I thank you for being so open and so honest with us. Not many, if any of us can put ourselves in your shoes, not really anyway. It's ok to get mad, to get angry...you need to. Life has dealt you a really crummy hand right now - you have to take the time to play the next cards the way that you see fit. Only you and you alone can make that decision. We are here to support you in whatever those decisions might be. Keep on enjoying those sweet sweet boys of yours and please do let us know if there is something, anything - that we can do to make things just a little bit easier for you.darciehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03611334115957929814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-88181655140918558262008-12-13T09:01:00.001-06:002008-12-13T09:01:00.001-06:00I am so very sorry that you have to go through all...I am so very sorry that you have to go through all of this. And you know here you never have to lie. We all love and respect you for your TRUE feelings. As far as chemo goes, you need to do what is right for you and your family. I want to you to know that even though I only know you from this blog (and am a fellow Minnesotan- Yay!), you have touched my heart in many ways. So, I wish you peace, an end to your spiritual, mental and physical struggles. And most of all, Happiness!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-27054072356177626762008-12-13T09:01:00.000-06:002008-12-13T09:01:00.000-06:00Speaking from a SW perspective, antidepressants do...Speaking from a SW perspective, antidepressants do increase the area of the brain that is affected by depression, making people better able to handle stress. We often separate mind/body/spirit, but in fact it is all connected...whatever is going on in the body affects the mind, it is a natural occurance. Ask the MD to explain how cancer and depression are connected...there is a lot of research in this area.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17785507992542218432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-29186005154355946932008-12-13T08:52:00.000-06:002008-12-13T08:52:00.000-06:00Knowing Dr. S as my oncologist too, I had to smile...Knowing Dr. S as my oncologist too, I had to smile when you said he speaks in his "always calm voice." It took A LONG TIME for me to get him to even crack a smile. I suppose doing what he does, he has built a bit of a shield around him. Or...I like to think that way...and that he isn't really a robot, like I sometimes suspect. He's wickedly smart...but not touchy-feely at ALL. Bedside manner...they can't teach that in med school...an apparently isn't always learned even after years of experience.<BR/><BR/>I say bring that KICK ASS hat of yours to your next oncology appt. Perhaps don't wear it in the lobby (although I bet you'd have quite a flock of fans clammoring to get their own)...but definitely put it on when you are waiting in the exam room for Dr. S. (Have you notice they always put you in the same room to see him?...or maybe one of two rooms.) I'd LOVE to see the look on his face when he walks in the room, muttering his usual greeting and shakes your hand...and then sees you wearing that hat. I bed he'd actually crack a smile...maybe even a faint nerdy giggle might be uttered. That would be awesomely priceless!!Janethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13696325791099123617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-48659597602182015402008-12-13T08:32:00.000-06:002008-12-13T08:32:00.000-06:00Emilie: Who among us can tell you, "There, there. ...Emilie: Who among us can tell you, "There, there. Just fight, girl, fight!" But, in our heart of hearts, that's what we pray you can do: to steel yourself to all this suffering and will yourself well. We've heard of miracles happening. And like you, we want them so badly. So that's what I'm praying for, for you. I'm storming heaven with prayers. God hears my prayer, and I hope his will and mine are traveling on the same track. That's an Advent wish, you know. <BR/><BR/>I hope you can get a little rest this weekend, find pleasure in preparing a good Christmas memory for your family, and put pain on hold a bit. <BR/><BR/>Love, PatMadwoman of Preserve Pathhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07021193076097365980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-64311627415246430642008-12-13T08:21:00.000-06:002008-12-13T08:21:00.000-06:00Emilie, I don't know whether to cry, ache for you,...Emilie, I don't know whether to cry, ache for you, rejoice in the pleasures you find in live, try to give words of encouragement (I can't find any), try to find some solution (the doula in me), or just sit here and stare at the computer.<BR/><BR/>I am amazed at how open you are about everything you are thinking and feeling. I think most of us would have the same thoughts, but few of us would be able to voice them.<BR/><BR/>p.s. I LOVE the hat.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04647975637268895019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-63239384795344048802008-12-13T08:11:00.000-06:002008-12-13T08:11:00.000-06:00I love the hat.I think your doctor has no idea wha...I love the hat.<BR/><BR/>I think your doctor has no idea what to say. He's a fixer, and he can't fix your suffering, so he does the only thing he knows how to do, offers to prescribe something.MrsSpockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10792687516201324640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-11519833656528858412008-12-13T06:38:00.000-06:002008-12-13T06:38:00.000-06:00People continue to pursue treatment for different ...People continue to pursue treatment for different reasons, and I've seen many patients continue so as not to disappoint their families. I also know that being aggressive and pursuing all treatment options is a very American approach to cancer care. Only you can decide when you've had enough and I'm sorry you're in such a hard place. Sometimes I think an unintended consequence of the "fight cancer" message makes it more difficult for patients to acknowledge that sometimes cancer wins, and continuing to fight won't change that. I'm not trying to be negative - I know how very sick most cancer patients are and how much they struggle every single day. I'm so glad you can still find the bright spots in life that bring you joy.Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08188110112312139648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-47684535841428342812008-12-13T02:07:00.000-06:002008-12-13T02:07:00.000-06:00Dang doctors always chasing things with medicine. ...Dang doctors always chasing things with medicine. I'm really mad at him for not being more compassionate and saying you should be feeling as happy as always. Uh uh! I'm glad you're fiesty and fighting in some small way, but that gets tiring, I'm sure. You've got to take a break and recoup sometime, don't you? I don't know. I haven't been there, but hang in there. I think the negative feelings are normal and human, and you're okay. Good for you to still be able to count your blessings. Keep it up. Know that even when you give up and don't care, there are others out here who care about you and wont' give up on you.Hesses Madhousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17988796143736645049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-59451355152574226282008-12-13T00:13:00.000-06:002008-12-13T00:13:00.000-06:00I am glad you are able to tell the truth here abou...I am glad you are able to tell the truth here about how you are - how hard it is. Steve is as fortunate in you as you in him. I say this from the point of view of one who was widowed young with two small shildren by a man whose love was sweet and empowering. Love is stronger than loss.Victoriahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13437738911794797906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-75144646971548466112008-12-13T00:05:00.000-06:002008-12-13T00:05:00.000-06:00Emilie, I am so sorry. I don't think that there is...Emilie, I am so sorry. <BR/><BR/>I don't think that there is a "should" answer to any of this. And I hate that you can't really TELL people how you're doing...day-to-day communication just doesn't seem to work for so much in our lives. <BR/><BR/>There definitely comes a time in many people's lives when they say "no more treatment." No one can tell you when is "right" or "wrong" to do that. <BR/><BR/>There is always the argument that these toxic drugs manage to cure or continue life for an incredible number of patients.<BR/><BR/>And then there is the argument for quality of life that is a very real and true consideration.<BR/><BR/>Do what you need to do in the moment of the decision. There is probably no decision about treatment that is going to make you comfortable, but there will be one that will make you a little more comfortable than the other, whether it is physical or spiritual comfort.<BR/><BR/>Letting nature take its course is not the same as "quitting." You will live powerfully until the very moment you leave, whether or not you are on chemo. And you are a good mother because you love and want the best for your children. Period. A very good mother.empyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03255925861143322277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24415762.post-35759410622530075782008-12-12T22:54:00.000-06:002008-12-12T22:54:00.000-06:00Oh, Emilie. I feel like I am without words - for o...Oh, Emilie. I feel like I am without words - for once. <BR/>I am having a hard time collectng myself and found it made the tears stream even faster when I read the very last paragraph - about Steve.<BR/> <BR/>I just want to come over there and hug you!<BR/><BR/>Wear the hat - embrace the hat!<BR/><BR/>I am sorry you are going through so much crap. You're not a bad anything for wanting to give up. Your body, mind and soul all have been taking a massive beatdown - you're tired and you are realizing it.kristinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11822425289823577361noreply@blogger.com