I'm one-quarter of the way through my pregnancy, and damn it, I want to celebrate that. I have no idea whether this baby will be alive one week from now, but right now, she's alive and moving around. (OK, maybe it's a he. I just have this feeling.) I've got a little bump — earlier than with Daniel, but I hear you start to show earlier with the second baby because the uterus has muscle memory or something. Anyway, I look pregnant. I feel pregnant, though sometimes these days I can't tell whether my nausea is from nervousness or morning sickness. I can't appreciate the twingy, bloaty feeling of my belly growing because I am scared it will bump into the tumor. I just want to get this surgery over with and get this awful, awful cancer out of me.
I keep thinking this baby may have saved my life. It was right after I found out I was pregnant that I noticed the hardness on the right side of my abdomen. I was lying down on the bed, just feeling around my belly with that certain sense of wonder and curiosity that pregnant women get, when I felt it. Left side, soft tissue. Right side, hardness. I wondered if that was normal, like maybe we have an extra organ over there, like the liver, that makes our right sides firmer than the left. I checked Steve, but he felt the same on both sides. Still, I didn't think about it much for two weeks until I had my routine pregnancy checkup. I mentioned it to the midwife, and she suggested I get it checked out. She thought it might have been something with my liver. But when I went to the doctor, he didn't think it my liver. He wanted me to get an ultrasound, so I did, a week ago, and that's how the ball got rolling.
So if I hadn't been pregnant, would I have been so interested in feeling my midsection? If I hadn't had an OB appointment, would I have gone to a doctor this soon to get it checked out? Most likely not, which means I wouldn't have known anything was wrong until I started feeling pain, and by then it could have been much worse, maybe too late. So thank you, baby. I hope you live to see a long life here, but if you don't, I will be grateful to you for the rest of mine.