Monday, September 3, 2007

10 weeks

I'm one-quarter of the way through my pregnancy, and damn it, I want to celebrate that. I have no idea whether this baby will be alive one week from now, but right now, she's alive and moving around. (OK, maybe it's a he. I just have this feeling.) I've got a little bump — earlier than with Daniel, but I hear you start to show earlier with the second baby because the uterus has muscle memory or something. Anyway, I look pregnant. I feel pregnant, though sometimes these days I can't tell whether my nausea is from nervousness or morning sickness. I can't appreciate the twingy, bloaty feeling of my belly growing because I am scared it will bump into the tumor. I just want to get this surgery over with and get this awful, awful cancer out of me.

I keep thinking this baby may have saved my life. It was right after I found out I was pregnant that I noticed the hardness on the right side of my abdomen. I was lying down on the bed, just feeling around my belly with that certain sense of wonder and curiosity that pregnant women get, when I felt it. Left side, soft tissue. Right side, hardness. I wondered if that was normal, like maybe we have an extra organ over there, like the liver, that makes our right sides firmer than the left. I checked Steve, but he felt the same on both sides. Still, I didn't think about it much for two weeks until I had my routine pregnancy checkup. I mentioned it to the midwife, and she suggested I get it checked out. She thought it might have been something with my liver. But when I went to the doctor, he didn't think it my liver. He wanted me to get an ultrasound, so I did, a week ago, and that's how the ball got rolling.

So if I hadn't been pregnant, would I have been so interested in feeling my midsection? If I hadn't had an OB appointment, would I have gone to a doctor this soon to get it checked out? Most likely not, which means I wouldn't have known anything was wrong until I started feeling pain, and by then it could have been much worse, maybe too late. So thank you, baby. I hope you live to see a long life here, but if you don't, I will be grateful to you for the rest of mine.

27 comments:

Cynthia said...

Emilie, I am praying for you and your family.
I love that you are smiling in this photo. Off topic, I guess, you really do look wonderful.

Roxy said...

You and your little bump are just beautiful. We are all praying for you!

Kristine said...

I totally second what Roxy said. You look so happy. really, you do. You are in my thoughts... more than you know.

liz said...

I have had that same thought about your baby... what a miracle. You look just radiant. You are absolutely in all of our prayers!

Anonymous said...

OH EM, THIS BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SHOWING EARLIER IN YOUR SECOND PREGNANCY - WOW, YOU LOOK 5 MONTHS.

ONLY THIS WEEK WILL TELL THE FUTURE FOR HER/HIM, AS YOU MENTIONED.

- SUSANNE

Ellen said...

This picture has a "been there done that" feel this time around. It's a great picture! Your baby is a miracle, and what a kind little sister for making sure her brother can grow up with a strong mom like you.
PS...your message cut off halfway through, so I'm not sure what else you said but I'll buy a plane ticket to come out as a surrogate mom for baby if needed. I'm in a wedding this Saturday though.

Anonymous said...

You look beautiful, Emilie! You and baby both. -Vanessa

April-C-A said...

As everyone else mentioned Em, you look beautiful. No matter what the outcome of the sugery, you do have a reason to celebrate. It's amazing that god has blessed you with two miracle babies. Daniel, the baby you wanted so much. And now this baby, who is saving your life. You're in my prayers.

Jamie said...

You look amazing!

Sara said...

You look beautiful in that picture. You and your little miracle baby :-)

LutherLiz said...

Emilie you look so radiant and beautiful, it is hard to imagine that you need surgery. Whatever happens I am certain this baby is loved and cherished. We are all praying for the best outcome possible!

Kristie said...

What a beautiful picture. We are praying for you!

Missy said...

Oh Emilie, what a great picture! Thanks for sharing! I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

Vicki (aka Kodi's mommy) said...

Emilie - you look beautiful. I continue ot hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Vanessa (ECFE) said...

Emilie,
I think about you every day - and I'm so glad you are able to appreciate the beauty that is happening all around you - like the state fair and your milestone of being a quarter way through this pregnancy. (Congratulations!)
This baby is a miracle - no doubt about it. What a wonderful gift you've been given.

Elizabeth from Mississippi said...

Sending you tons of hugs...
Wish I were there with you in flesh instead of just in spirit.
Love you,
Mean it,
Elizabeth

Cyndy said...

I have been thinking of all of you nonstop. We are literally on our knees and praying out loud for you all. You, Steve, Daniel and Baby Lemmon Bump are all very special!

Jennifer said...

What a miracle the she has given you. Being a miracle herself, let alone the gift of saving your life. Your look radiant...keep smiling...we all will keep praying.

Michele (Moosh) said...

Hey girl, I just want you to know you're in my prayers. My Sherwood clan (me, DH, parents) are all praying for you!!! I wish we could have seen each other when you travelled back to Oregon! DH's parents live in Hood River, just like your sister...so more family similarities.....

You are beautiful, and not just on the outside. XOXOXO

Aussie Elle said...

Even though we have never met
Even though we are an ocean apart
I am sending all the healing thoughts and prayers I can your way.

Your photo looks beautiful!

Kerry said...

Many, many emotions for me here. Where to begin? The fact that you are able to so eloquently put into words the emotional journey you are going through at the moment floors me. It speaks of your immense talent as a writer, that is for sure, but also as an amazing human being.

You are right about the baby being an extra-special miracle. I cannot stop thinking about the baby. I hope that doesn't sound horrible to say. I mean, I cannot stand the thought of you having to go through this successful surgery and recovery (it is going to be a success!). The though of you having to deal with the loss of the baby on top of this... I am not sure I have words for that. I know that feeling, and I never want you to know it.

You can see how many people are here thinking and praying for you and you can add me to that list. You and the baby must be part of some special plan. You couldn't be any more beautiful in that photo. Thank you so much for posting.

Anonymous said...

It's so sad to think that this baby's path might end so quickly but what a mircle if Daniel has a mom for his lifetime and you and Steve get to grow old together.

You're in our Prayers,
Margaret and Isabel

The Town Criers said...

Sweetie, I got behind in my reading. I'm so sorry that (1) I didn't know you were pg again until today and (2) about the tumour. Sending good thoughts. A speedy recovery. A healthy pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

MARGARET AND ISABLE, I WAS MOVED BY WHAT YOU SAID.

"WHAT A MIRACLE IF DANIEL HAS A MOM FOR A LIFETIME AND YOU & STEVE GET TO GROW OLD TOGETHER."

THIS IS ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS WHERE GOODNESS AND HOPE CAN ARISE OUT OF BADNESS.

TODAY IS THURSDAY, AND YOUR SURGERY IS TOMORROW, EM. I'M PRAYING AND THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS FOR YOU.

LOVE,
SUSANNE

Kristen said...

I found you through Lost & Found and wanted to send my prayers and hugs your way. I hope everything goes smoothly - the surgery and the pregnancy.

XOXO,
Kristen

Sunny said...

You look amazing. WOW....

Stacey said...

As everyone said, you look so beautiful. The baby is truly a blessing, as being pregnant certainly saved your life. You, your family and the doctors will be in my thoughts and prayers.