ben, this morning

Just because.

happy eight-month birthday to ben

Steve and I were talking the other night about the fact that Ben has been in our lives for about as long as the cancer has. He was conceived a couple of months before I got my first diagnosis last year, and he was born three weeks before I learned the cancer had spread.

In that time, filled with such darkness, he has been like a little shining light. It's remarkable how his personality has been so happy and good-natured. For every bad development that happens with my health, it seems that Ben adds an element of happiness we so sorely need — a ready smile, a look that says "I'm so happy to see you." It's as if God sent him to us as a counterbalance, knowing we'd need some light in the midst of our dark.

*Sneeze!*

And here's his cute brother at eight months.

dear benjamin

My sweet boy,

I feel like I owe you a bit of an apology. I know I don't devote as much time and attention to you as I did to Daniel when he was your age. I know you are more often left to play by yourself or with the nanny. I know I sometimes slip and don't feed you your solids every single day. I know I'm not as vigilant about making sure you get age-appropriate activities to nurture your growth and development. I used to take Daniel out for stroller rides almost every day when he was younger than you — just weeks old, even. And I'm lucky if you get outside for fresh air a couple of times a week.

I'm not going to pull the cancer card on this one — well, except for the getting outside part. That's because of my hip. Mainly, it's just that having two boys instead of one is more of a juggling act. And you have to admit that your big brother is at quite a demanding age. You've seen him. He can talk quite well now, and he's very emphatic about expressing his needs! When I was pregnant with you, I felt sad that Daniel wouldn't have my undivided attention anymore. Now I feel a little sad that you don't get more of it.

But you know what, Benny? I think you are doing fine in spite of it. You are an amazing little boy. You are just as curious as your brother, and you are exploring everything you can get your hands on — the newspaper, our full dinner plates, your activity gym. No, I don't always get down on the floor and stack blocks in front of you, but you seem to be developing your pincer grip just fine, grabbing the carved wooden insects from Daniel's puzzles and inspecting his Thomas trains. You are practically scooting across the room, and you've only just figured out how to sit up. You grab your spoon with such a grip that I can barely pry it from your fingers. You are going to be a handful once you learn to walk and talk — I can tell! In a good way.

So maybe I can relax. Maybe that's the secret: Babies figure things out, even if their parents are more busy and frazzled and tired than they were with the first one. And you know what? You may get less attention from Mom and Dad than Daniel did, but you have something he didn't have: a big brother who loves to help feed you and talk to you and play with you. Ben, you are a wonderful, smiley little sweetheart, and you're surrounded by love, and I think you're going to turn out just fine.

With love, love, and more love,

Mommy

friday

It snowed yesterday morning — a heavy, wet snow, and Daniel decided he didn't want the flakes falling on him. Ben and I stayed inside and ate some applesauce.

ben at seven months

Bathed, bottled and pajama'd. These were taken without a flash, so they're a little dark.

it's all happening at the zoo

A better day today.

This morning, we went to the Como Zoo. It was chilly and overcast, and all the animals were out. I wish I'd brought my camera.

The gorilla stared at us, banged his big hand against the glass, then turned around and mooned us as he drank from his pool of water.

The tiger ran, as majestically as a caged creature can, up and down the fenceline.

The father lion roared and roared, and the mother lion sat and watched him.

The timberwolf put his nose in the air, opened his mouth and howled, over and over. His silver-furred mate came out of the woods a few times to check on him, then went back.

The pink flamingos waded around in the pond with the ducks, their long necks curving as they tucked their heads into their wings.

It was all spectacular (and maybe a little sad). I've never seen such a showing of animals up close at the zoo.

The sun came out this afternoon. How do you like Daniel in his amazing technicolor outfit — the sweater, the nanny's scarf and his green shoes? To top it off, he found a stick that was just the right size to use as a cane, and he looked like a little gent. He had fun crunching the leaves, too.





Here's Ben, showing off his back strength with a little tummy time. I think he will be sitting up quite soon.

solids

Benjamin tried some rice cereal last week, his first attempt at solids. He didn't really get the hang of pushing it to the back of his mouth, so we're waiting a few days to try again. But we did take pictures for posterity.


He smiled and giggled all the way through his six-month checkup this morning. He's nearly 16 pounds now, and 26-and-three-quarters inches tall. (Daniel had his checkup, too, and weighed in at 26 pounds and 34 inches.) He's getting over a cold, so we didn't do the DTaP shot as I'd planned. We'll go back and do it when he's better; I'm in no hurry.

scenes from a saturday

Daniel and his dad discuss the finer points of the Economist while lounging on the race car bed ...


... and Ben gets some attention, too.


Later, we go to an apple orchard, where Daniel runs around in the hay maze, throws himself into the hay piles and takes his very first pony ride.


It brings to mind a photo we have of my first pony ride, at around the same age. I think I look a little less serious!

ben is six months old!

A whole half year ... I can't believe how quickly the time has flown, even with chemo and all the cancer drama. Happy half-birthday, little one!

brotherly love

what a difference a haircut makes

I love Daniel's long hair, but he looks so grown-up with short hair, too.


Nothing beats a favorite pair of striped socks to go with new, striped pajamas.


Daniel had a little trouble going down for his nap while I was at chemo yesterday. When I got home, both boys were sacked out in the living room. Ahhh ... quiet.

ben at five months

Five months seems like a pivotal age: Daniel was five months old when I started taking him to Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) classes and first met the kids who would become his play group (and their parents who have become friends).

Daniel was also around five months old when we bought the Ergo and started wearing him around in it — and now Ben's neck is strong enough that I can wear him without the infant insert, and he loves it. Sometimes he naps in it; other times he just stares up at me with his wise little eyes and smiles. I love wearing him in it, too. I can walk around with my cane in my left hand and still have my right hand free to carry a cup of tea (carefully) or water the garden. And in a small way, it lets me feel a closeness with him that I had missed from having to wean him from breastfeeding so early.

In another month or two, we'll be feeding him solids, and he'll be sitting up by himself. He's growing up right under my nose. It seems like time is going by faster than it did with Daniel.

eat, play, love

Choo-Choo Bob's is a little train store in St. Paul. It offers a great birthday party package, and we had Daniel's 2nd birthday party there today.


Kids love Choo-Choo Bob's because there are train tables set up all across the back of the store, and kids can play there for free — their very own island of Sodor! Daniel and a half dozen of his toddler friends had such a great time playing that it was almost a shame to call them in for snacks.


The party package includes a cake (a very tasty cake from La Patisserie in St. Paul). Daniel had been talking about his birthday cake all morning, but once it was in front of him, he didn't quite know what to do. He was very somber indeed.


He soon got into the spirit, however. Within 20 minutes, he was so jacked up on sugar that he couldn't sit still to open his gifts. It was kind of funny but kind of sad, like seeing someone on a bad drug trip.


Benjamin slept through much of the party. Once he woke up, he got some good face time with his grandpa.


I had a good time, too. For those few hours, I wasn't a woman with cancer. I was just a happy mom.

ben's baptism

It was a beautiful service. Benjamin and a handful of other babies were baptized in the middle of the regular Mass. Our church in St. Paul gets the babies naked and dunks them waist-high in the font while all the kids gather round and watch. The priest scoops water over the baby's head and recites the words of baptism while he is immersed. Ben didn't bat an eye. He likes his baths.


He's smiling now, but I hope our priest is still smiling when our two boys run and squawk noisily all over the back of the church on Sundays! (Yes, that's my "nice" wig.)


The godparents: my sister Ellen, who flew in from Oregon, and Steve's brother Bruce.


We had a little gathering of mostly family over afterward. My parents, along with my sister, are here from Portland, so they got to catch up with Steve's side of the family. Our friend Jennifer prepared a light lunch and had it all laid out for us when we got home from church. She rocks. If anyone is looking for a caterer, let me know.


Ben wore the same romper Daniel wore at his baptism. My friend Anne borrowed it for her son Aaron's baptism, too. It was kind of sad to take it off, knowing we won't be using it again. I wonder if any future boys in our family will wear it.


Steve took this picture of me with Ben, and I kind of like it.


So many photos in a day can make a baby cranky.

four months old

Happy birthday to Ben, who is growing into one of the most good-natured babies I've known. He has a sweet smile for everyone and laughs when we kiss his cheeks. Tomorrow he will be baptized, so this is a special weekend for him.