I've finally found some humor in the picture I've presented for the past six days, all hooked up to my tubes and black backpack: I look like a suicide bomber! With a cane. Ha ha! Are you laughing?
So tonight I get taken off one of my drugs, and tomorrow night I get off both of them, and then my arms will be freeeeee!!! And I can change into my own shirts, take a shower, a bath, wash my haaaaaiiirrr!!! I can scarcely wait. And I think they'll take the PICC line out, which means I can have that bath without wrapping my arm in Saran wrap!
I've finally managed to describe the sound my pumps make every minute or so. It's taken me a lot of mindless time just lying there listening to them as they keep me awake, so I might as well describe them here. They sound like the glide-click sound of an auto-focus camera lens trying to close in on its mark. gliiiide-click-glide-click.
I am so behind on thank-you notes. Seriously. We keep getting such cute gifts for Benjamin, some of them from people who don't know yet, and then I wonder if I should mention something about The Cancer in my thank-you note. And then there are all manner of amazing gifts to help ease our burden. A gorgeous set of sheets. A big container of soup. A check. Babysitting offers. A set of books. Wow ...
A few friends with whom I'm less in touch are just finding out. A few have contacted me in the past week. They are still bowled over by the shock and grief of the news, having the emotional reaction I had a month ago. I remember what that felt like, so I understand what they are feeling, but there's also a disconnect: It's not so immediate for me now, so raw. I'm in a different place now - a place of just getting by, trying to live my life day to day. So when I witness the initial reaction in others, I am unsure of how to handle it. I can't bring myself to meet it with equal emotion — too exhausting — yet I want to honor their feelings and allow the space for them. Sometimes I find myself apologizing: I'm sorry you are having to find out this way. I'm sorry we have been so out of touch. I'm sorry you somehow weren't on the big e-mail list I sent out. I'm sorry you slipped through the cracks. It's making me think a lot about my friendships and how behind I have been on so many of them.