changing course

The results of yesterday's CT scan weren't very good. More tumors (two in particular) are growing in my lungs. Miniscule or undetectable on my scan two months ago, they've grown to at least a centimeter or more in diameter. Like last time, the chemo was able to halt (or slow) the growth of the larger tumors, but it hasn't stopped these new ones, which means they must be resistant to this particular form of chemo. So the doctor isn't going to have me continue the chemo I've been on. Instead, I'll start another combo next week. (Edited to add: The new drugs are Gemzar and Taxotere.) Whether the new chemo will stop the new tumors or even the old ones is anyone's guess.

The thing is, it's all a guessing game from here on in, like shooting in the dark. This type of cancer is so rare that there isn't really a standard course of treatment that's known to work. The chemo drug combo I was on this summer is typically the one the doctor tries first, but if that doesn't work, he'll just try a couple of other combos and see if they work. The chances for success aren't as high, but Dr. S. said you never know when something might work. He agreed with us that this is probably the time when getting a second opinion would be a good idea, at least so we feel like we've explored our options. I'm going to call the Mayo Clinic and see if we can get an appointment there. That's as far as I'm allowing myself to think right now. I can't think about going to Houston or Boston or the other sarcoma centers yet. I wish I had the power and clout and money that Edward Kennedy did to call in all the national experts to my bedside.

I'm feeling pretty dejected about this news. Kind of numb, not really fully processing it, even a day later. The grey rain that's been falling steadily all morning feels like it's falling right into my heart. As soon as I finish posting this, I'm going to go crawl back into bed (with Daniel, who is sleeping there), sip a cup of tea and read my Nora Roberts novel.