Saturday, August 9, 2008

dream :: the library

Last night's dream is sticking in my head.
I am in a library with my sisters. It's a big, marble library with several floors, like the downtown libraries in Portland and St. Paul, but it's in a town we don't live in; we are visitors. We are looking for a place where I can return some books and CDs. One of my sisters leads us into one room, but there's no return bin there. I lead us to another room, and there is a desk with a woman behind it taking returns. I pull my books and CDs out of the bag a few at a time and place them on the counter. There are other people there ahead of me, some young women. My sisters are standing behind me but are pressed up so close that I feel crowded. I use my arms and elbows to push them back and make some room so I can breathe.

Then we go out into the lobby so we can leave. But there are some men in the lobby with huge dogs who are doing tricks with the dogs. The men are very athletic and are practically throwing the dogs around, like circus perfomers, occupying two different "rings" on the floor of the lobby. People are standing around the edge of the rings, watching. My sisters and I are getting split up. I am standing at the back of the lobby trying to figure out a way to get out, but the dogs keep coming close to me, and they scare me. Finally I manage to find a way to the front and out the doors. I meet up with my sisters again. Susanne says, "Emilie, I admire the way you handled that with grace and humor."

We walk down the street. I am walking without my cane, and I am aware that this is unusual. I know that I have cancer, and that I've previously had to use a cane. I can still feel a little discomfort in my hip. I wonder why I'm suddenly able to walk freely and how long it will last, but I embrace it while I can.
I woke up believing I could walk and was kind of bummed when I realized it had been just a dream.


Anonymous said...

Okay, I think your subconcious is telling you that the knowledge you are seeking about something (cancer?) is beginning to overwhelm you, so you need to quit doing so much research. You are having trouble "returning" some of the useless information you've picked up about managing your health or something else. Also, your cancer situation is different from your sister's, so you're separating from her a bit.

Also, you are tapping into your inner Olympian (rings), and maybe you need to get a little dog that you can take on walks to help you with your athletecism. Not a big dog, because you need one you can move around easily. Or maybe you need to join Circus Juventis classes?

--Laura S.

Anonymous said...

Oh Em,
When I said, in the dream, how I admire the suave way you were handling the situation, I hope you didn't get that from all my talk, in real life, about how well you're handling your cancer. Because I know, based on previous knowledge and on other things you've said, that "handling it well" doesn't always make it better, or make one feel better.

Laura S. said, above, how your cancer situation is different from mine. I fear, sometimes greatly, that mine will become worse, based on some long term effect of the radiation.

- Susanne

Ellen said...

Were we in Ireland?!?!

Piccinigirl said...

while I have no real comment, I just want to tell you that I am glad that your brain and body are trying to handle this for you in some small ways in times when your head can be quiet. As always I am thinking of you and praying for you.