a p married to a j

"You know what?" Steve said this afternoon. "I'm a guy who feels more comfortable making decisions right away and sticking with them, and I'm married to a woman who likes to hold off on decisions until she has examined every angle. You can see how this creates some tension!"

I had to laugh because it hit me that this is a classic Myers-Briggs difference found in many couples. "You're a J, married to a P," I said.

It feels like we are in the midst of a pile of decisions we have to make ...

Which pediatrician will we choose? (The woman in the office in Midway? One of the doctors in the building next to United? Which one there should we try to meet with ahead of time? What issues do we ask about? What's most important to us?)

Will I deliver at United or St. Joseph's? (And when will we make that call? My gut tells me I will be more comfortable and calm in the atmosphere at St. Joseph's, and that says a lot. Our doula loves St. Joe's, too. But that means giving up the familiarity of the clinic where we've been getting our prenatal care. And Roxy said she had a good experience at United, even though she didn't have one of the all-in-one, labor-delivery-recovery rooms.)

If I switch caregivers, how will I go about it? (Cold turkey, or keep up a relationship with both of them until closer to the delivery? At which hospital should we preregister?)

Will we circumcise the baby? (I think I'm going to leave this decision up to Steve.)

Should I spring for one of those cute Fleurville or Bumble Bags diaper bags or go with one of the practical — and highly rated — Lands' End models? (Or both?! Or pick something up at Target?)

Should I get the chest xray now or wait until after the baby is born? (On one hand, there is this nagging, persistent cough that hasn't gone away since I had a bad cold in February. The doctor couldn't hear anything wierd through the stethoscope, yet if it's something else, like mild walking pneumonia, that could be bad. On the other hand, can an xray of this level hurt the baby? The doctor says no, but yet I worry. And is the chance of the xray finding something high enough to warrant the risk? Again, I wonder ...)

Today in the parking lot of the accountant's office, as we stood outside our cars getting ready to drive home, Steve and I revisited the latest developments on the hospital question. I mentioned I'd mailed in the request to have a copy of my prenatal records sent to the midwives' office and have another appointment with the midwife on Friday. I sensed him tensing up. My thought, I told him, is that we can go back and forth between our current clinic and the midwife for a few weeks until we have a clearer idea of how the end of pregnancy is looking and whether any problems crop up.

Steve is a little resistant. It's harder for him to not know now. He likes certainty and finality. And the idea of changing hospitals and caregivers is stressful for him. (It is for me, too, truth be told, but I have more at stake.) It's hard for him to fathom having to get used to another parking ramp, another driving route, when he has timed out the drive from our house to United so well. (Eight minutes in light traffic on 35E. Ten to 12 minutes going up Grand.)

Plus, he likes our doctor, and it's true we've had great care at Allina Parkview. But they only deliver at United, and United gave me the willies on our hospital tour. It turns out we aren't guaranteed one of the all-in-one rooms that initially attracted me to the hospital. We have a three-in-four chance of getting one of those rooms if my pregnancy remains normal. If I develop any problems, or if the seven all-in-one rooms are full, it's labor and delivery in one of the small rooms (which made me feel clausterphobic) without a tub or shower, and recovery in another room. On the other hand, at St. Joseph's, all maternity patients labor, deliver and recover in a comfortable, all-in-one room, with a private tub and shower. They were nice rooms. I got good vibes when Steve and I went to visit them. They felt calmer, and I got the feeling birthing at St. Joe's is not quite so adrenalin-charged as it could be at United. Plus, a midwife would likely deliver the baby. Yes, United has a Level III NICU. But St. Joe's has a Level II, which is not so bad. — and St. Joe's has a much lower c-section rate than United. I put these things on a scale and have to decide: What's more important? The highest-level NICU, or a calm birth environment that might make the delivery easier and less likely to need to interventions that could put the baby at risk or lead to a c-section?

Anyway, I have spelled out these concerns plenty of times in the past month. They are written into my brain and infiltrate my dreams at night. I long for a clear sign from God telling me exactly what to do, but for now, I feel I just need to hold onto the questions and wait until I know more, feel more sure. Who knows? Maybe it will come down to the final hour when I'm in labor. ("You know what? Let's head over to St. Joseph's!") I think I'd be OK with that, but it will drive Steve up the wall if we don't make a decision soon. I feel awful knowing this ongoing discernment causes him stress. And, in fact, it's probably good for me to be married to someone who is good at making decisions — I have been known to dilly-dally (or obsess) too long over things. Yet I cannot let go of this quite yet.