Wednesday, June 21, 2006

some days

Some days, the idea of giving birth sends excitement and breathless anticipation bubbling around my head: A rite of passage that's spiritual as well as physical. Meeting the challenge. Inner strength and focus. Our wonderful doula. Steve's amazing supportiveness. The moment when they pull the baby out and put him on my chest and we meet him face-to-face for the first time. How I'll probably cry, just like I cry when I see it in the videos in childbirth class.

Other days — like those mornings when my belly aches with hugeness and it's all I can do to roll over in bed — it's mild panic: Is this baby really going to come out of me? How am I possibly going to get through it? Will I be ready, or is it going to come when I'm not expecting it? Can I handle the pain?

I notice that the excitement images are all just images — the feeling of me dealing, handling it, maybe struggling, maybe not having it all together all the time, but getting through it.

And the anxiety images are all in the form of questions. I've never noticed that before, but I think it's true of me: When I'm in panic mode, it's because of the unknowns. When I'm feeling confident and positive, it's drawn from some inner place that seems to know myself, or at least believe in myself and my resources. How very interesting that is ... something to ponder.


liz said...

That IS a really interesting observation, Emilie. It would make a good essay. :)

I definitely share your apprehension already - some days I think I just can't have a baby because I'm too scared of it. But then I remember that women have been doing this for a long time, and you are one of the stronger ones I know. You're going to be just fine.

This post reminds me of a favorite Rilke passage:

"You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. LIVE the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Carrie said...

I can imagine the fear of the "unknown" of the actual birth process IS very scary. However, I have faith that your support team and you, yourself, will pull this amazingly and I for one, can't WAIT to hopefully meet Baby Boy L.