knots

Time for some brainstorming. Starting with: Why did I make the decision to go back to work?

• Because they value me there, and to be wanted and needed is a nice feeling.
• Because I hate to let them down.
• Because the extra money would be very nice.
• Because I am afraid of losing my edge and my skills and my hireability with a break in my resume if I become a stay-at-home mom.
• Because so much of how I see myself — my identity — is based on my job as a writer and reporter and editor. Giving that up would be scary (unless I shifted into freelance work).
• Because going to an existing job is so much easier than taking the big leap into freelancing.
• Because my job puts me in a larger world where I know people and have some influence.
• Because staying home all day with a baby would be so hard.
• Because I may start to crave the adult company and intellectual stimulation.
• Because part-time work is a nice, flexible balance that many women would love to have. Am I crazy to give that up?

And why am I now doubting that decision?

• Because I love this boy in my lap so much it hurts to think of being apart from him.
• Because no matter how hard taking care of — and rearing — a baby is, I am not sure I want to hand the job over to anyone else.
• Because the idea of starting something new, like freelancing — on my own time and schedule — could be very exciting. And I've been thinking about it for several years, and maybe now is the time to get going with it.
• Because Daniel is only going to be little once.
• Because we don't need the extra income and could live on Stephen's if we chose to. (And I'm on his health insurance now.)
• Because I like the flexibility of our days — sleeping in until whenever he's ready to get up, going on outings and walks, and not having to be anywhere at any specific time.
• Because I don't want to expose him to a room full of eight other babies' germs, especially if we decide not to vaccinate him 100 percent, or according to the typical schedule.

A couple of years ago, I applied for a job at my work that would have been a promotion. I'd been in a rut, and this seemed like an obvious way to advance in my career and learn some new skills. After I submitted the application, and especially after I made the cut to the next round, it started to gnaw at my stomach, big time. Steve and I were trying to have a baby, and I knew that if I got this job, it would mean more hours and more stress at a time when I really wanted less of both. I agonized about it for a while and ended up withdrawing my application; afterward, it felt so right, but until the moment I did it, I really wasn't sure if it was the right decision ... or if I was one of those people who is afraid of success. It all worked out; the guy they hired is absolutely the right person for the job, and I have loved working for him. And almost a year after that, I got pregnant!

This must be a pattern with how I make decisions because I'm doing it again now: Taking a step toward something — securing a slot in a daycare, for instance — and seeing if it feels right or if I get the knots in my stomach. It's not an intentional plan to try out an option; more a gut reaction that crops up after I've taken the step toward it. So I've got some knots. Especially after Christmas, when I saw Daniel interact with lots of people and saw how he was a good sport for a while but always ended up wanting to be with Stephen or me, and how glad I always was to get him back. Ugh. I need to get clear on what to do.