this just gets suckier and suckier

Back from the appointment with the surgeon. This isn't going to be the easy fix I hoped it would be.

This thing is big, the size of a cantaloupe, 15 to 18 centimeters, and it is irregularly shaped, and it is pressing against my kidney and the vena cava (a major blood vessel running down the center of my body) and wrapping itself around my aorta. It's probably been growing in me for five years. (How could I not have felt it until three weeks ago?) It is, in the words of Dr. Suhr, "complicated" — too complicated for his surgery clinic and the HealthEast hospital system, apparently, to handle. So he's recommending the University of Minnesota or the Mayo Clinic. He was able to pull some strings and get us an appointment this afternoon with a doctor at the U of M, who he says is very good and he would send his own family to him. I haven't had a biopsy yet, but I think it's safe to say this is a bad thing, a sarcoma. I don't know if we are going to lose our little baby, but I have a bad feeling about it. I overheard the doctor on the phone telling people at the U of M that "time is of the essence" and using words like "abortion." I feel like this might end up being a fight for my life, much less the little one's. Oh God, it's heartbreaking to think about what could happen.

I am hovering in a wierd place between disbelief, sadness and fear, yet somehow a little removed from it all, like the emotions haven't sunk in all the way. I have been crying off and on, but I've also been cracking jokes with Steve (bless his shocked heart) and baby-talking with Daniel. Somehow, listening to old hymns of praise like "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" brings me a sense of comfort, like a reminder that there is so much beautiful in this world in spite of this. I hope I can stay strong and positive through all this. So far, I'm holding it together, but I see such a tough road ahead.

Ironically, my life insurance policy arrived in the mail today. So at least we've got that going for us. Ha.

Anyway, everyone, thanks for all your support. It means so much. By the way, some of Steve's family knows what's going on through this blog (you know who you are!), but we'd like to tell the rest of the family ourselves, so please keep mum. :)