I have put this post off for a couple of days because there were important family and friends who needed to know first. And honestly, as Steve and I process the latest news, me all looped up on narcotics pain-killers, I have been at a loss for how I will write about it here.
So here it is: As of yesterday, I am officially in home hospice care. It is time for me to start preparing to die. It's so surreal. We're still trying to work through the many emotions that come from this news — sadness, fear, worry that I won't get everything done in time. And yet, there's also a sense that this final part of my journey might perhaps be one of the most amazing and spiritual times of my life.
Dr. S said the tumors in my right lung look worse — that "most of my right lung is occupied by tumor and liquid associated by the tumor." The tumors have also pushed my liver inward quite a bit. He said he didn't think any more could be done with chemo or surgery or radiation, and in the end, I think both he, Steve and me were on the same page.
Home hospice has already come in and set up a hospital bed in our room that makes my sleeping much more comfortable. In fact, I'm floored by the helpful, compassionate attitude that comes with this program. I never wanted to die in the hospital, and hospice will enable me to die surrounded by my loved ones in my home. Steve has always supported me in this, and I am so grateful.
I'll write more later. Right now, I need to go rest. Meanwhile, I will leave you with the link to my latest Catholic Spirit column, which came out in yesterday's issue. It's what's been on my mind for the past week and a half, and had I not written about it for the Spirit, I'd have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on it here. Enjoy.